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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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8:29 pm - ahh..
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Ok..Tegan and Sarah are really good. I like them a lot. I actually almost bought their cd last weekend on like..saturday. I got my replay card at media play and was like..fuck yeah! Now I get points n' shit for buyin stuff... Now I am tired. I know it was Dana who wrote the comment, and now it doesn't bother me nearly as much, considering shes such a selfish, spoiled bitch. Its all good...When people like Dana make comments like that, I understand completely. The way I sound on this "lj"..is completely retarded and ditzy. Well...I hope that you keep on "acting impressed"..cuz uhh..I have never tried to impress anyone..well not at least with my uhh.."bitch bitch bitching.." I give up trying to defend myself though, all I know is that you do not completely know everything I go through or what I can handle mentally an emotionally. I am a pretty fragile person to be honest..well emotionally. I have been in a constant emotional battle with myself since like..the age of...9 or 10. You don't know my complete story or what happens to me everyday or even what has happened previously, so don't even begin to try to judge me or try to be a fucking know it all cuz you don't know it all...especially about me.
current mood:  bitchy
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(5 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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1:49 pm - hmm..
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Now I have figured out that the person who wrote the comment wasn't Brendon. Too bad...he was the only person I thought could write something and sound so..smart...But hey now I'll never figure it out. Whatever. I think it could have been someone like Dana or something, cuz otherwise I have no idea whatsoever. I know Ryan couldn't type anything that sounds as smart as that, and he wouldn't say anything like that. Umm..Joe hasn't ever experienced my environment, Ben wouldn't..Auriel says she wouldn't, but shes smart..so I don't know..Ummm...Carly wouldn't say anything like that cuz she knows how I feel and how things are...just like many people who are my "friends"....Umm.. I really can't think of anyone else now. If you weren't such a fucking coward, you'd put your name up. Bastard. Fuck off...bye
current mood:  distressed
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(2 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Monday, March 21st, 2005
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8:22 pm - <3 burning..just like the match you strike to incinerate...
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<3 burning..just like the match you strike to incinerate......so long and good night.
I was a huge bitch today. To like..almost everyone. I am tired of being everyones bitch. I am also very sad that people have these awful opinions of me. Like...everytime I turn around someone is saying something negative. No one really ever takes the time out to seriously get to know me. Fuck, even my own god damned parents don't know me. I really wish that I was never born. At least not to them. No I don't go home at all to my mom's. I wonder though really, why doesn't she care if I am home anymore. My dad hurts my feelings constantly. Like he is just like "good leave bye"..but is serious. I take a lot of things seriously and contemplate everything..and try to find an "in depth" meaning to everything in my life...why can't I do that in english class?...Yeah..well..I have a huge problem..I try to find the negative in everything and want to be sad all the time. I really think it is pathetic, and don't worry, I do NOT want any attention. This is just a journal...like something you write in ..but i like the typing version of it better. I could care less if anyone notices me now..I haven't gotten noticed so far so..keep on readin you pathetic losers...I'll keep writing. OK..that made no sense.. But it sounded cool..so.. Yeah.. I really would ike to sound serious now. My whole situation just really scares me..I wonder if my mom is really into drugs heavily and I wonder why she doesn't ever go to work...and how she has an apartment still. I still want to cry to My chemical romane..which is such a good thing. I think I can't do without love. I really hurt without it, which is rather often considering I have only truly been in love once. I hate life. I am not smart, I am no good at guitar,my parents are pretty shitty in their own way, and I don't really like myself. I have thought, would it work to take a couple huge gulps of like..windex or bleech? Or would I just get really sick...Give suggestions..?
"and its all that ive got.....Ill be just fine pretending im not...."
current mood:  i dontknow...just sad?
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(3 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Sunday, March 20th, 2005
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9:50 pm
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Drink up baby down.
Mmm, are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind,
'Cuz it's all going off without you.
'Scuze me, too busy,
You're writing your tragedy.
These mishaps, your bubble wrap, when,
You've no idea what you're like...
(So let go)
So let go
Mmm, jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for?
It's alright,
'Cuz there's beauty
In the breakdown.
(So let go)
Yeah, let go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here.
It's alright,
'Cuz there's beauty
In the breakdown.
It gains the more it gives,
And then it rises with the fall.
So hand me that remote.
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless, pleasure,
We've no time for later now, you,
Can't await, your own arrival you've,
Twenty seconds to comply.
(So let go)
So let go
Jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for?
It's alright,
'Cuz there's beauty
In the breakdown.
(So let go)
Yeah let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here.
It's alright,
'Cuz there's beauty
In the breakdown.
So let go
Mmm, jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for?
It's alright,
'Cuz there's beauty
In the breakdown.
(So let go)
Yeah let go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here.
It's alright,
'Cuz there's beauty
In the breakdown.
In the breakdown....
'Cuz there's beauty in the breakdown.
The breakdown....
So amazing here....
'Cuz there's beauty in the breakdown.
current mood: sad
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(by 5 am)
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9:25 pm - hmm..
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I don't really know what to say about the comment. I have really no idea who said all that..well...maybe it was Brendon?...or Auriel...? I don't know. I am very...embarassed I guess...more like I feel something, but I really can't describe what I am feeling. If you don't want to hear me "bitch bitch bitch"..umm...did you ever think of not reading my livejournal?? I know for a fact that I don't talk about my home life at school like "oh my life is so tragic!" So yes..its definately Brendon, until its proven otherwise. I don't really care about your "suggestions"... I have problems of my own, and honestly I don't give a flying fuck about someone with worse problems, I have my own fucking shit to deal with. In fact I don't need to explain myself. You know I will be honest tho, I am terrified of pain..so thats the only reason I am not dead. I DON'T CARE WHO HAS IT WORSE! Thank you.
Despite that fucking post that ruined my night I think I will keep on writing about my life...isn't that what livejournals are for?...I am very sad. I always get myself into these fucking situations with really terrible guys. Now I have people saying shit about me all the time. I do know that it is my own fault, but it just hurts soo much afterwards. I have the right to complain. Like I am not cautious at all. I just go right for it with these ass holes. I think I have just what I am looking for, then I get fucked over. It is especially painful to see all of these couples everywhere...Everywhere I turn theres a happy couple. I can't help that I am so drawn to being in love. I would stop, but thats just me..I am like desperate to be in love. It is pretty horrible. I can't write anymore...bye.
current mood: melancholy
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(by 5 am)
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| Thursday, March 17th, 2005
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6:49 pm
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Today is St. Patricks day, my dad and step mom's anniversary...pretty cool. Today my hair was bad. Yucky hair. Umm..I am gonna be babysitting very soon. I haven't seen my nephew since Dec. 24th 2004... Well i have to go, for Adam will soon shit his pants. Hahahahaha
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(by 5 am)
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| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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5:47 pm
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life is crazy right now. I think i want to die. Um...joseph baxter is a hottie. haha...he made me a cd and i am happy. it is sooo beautiful. Umm..Curtis obviously doesn't like me all of a sudden and i dont know why. I have so much drama in my life..my fucking mom smokes crack. And that is NO JOKE. tomorrow is my favorite day. st. patricks day! my dad and step moms anniversary and my favorite color is to be worn on this day. horay. umm.....yeah i really am jealous of anyone with any sort of romantic relationSHIT...oh i mean..relationship..ha..umm.. yeah. life sucks right now for me. i feel horrible. my little step sister moved back in and thats hell and my dad is back to his dickly ways. of course. i am never at my moms anymore cuz shes a fucking crack head. iwish she would o.d. or something. i am tired of living. my grades suck and i want nothing more to die. keep in mind i do have real problems. and yeah..no one notices or even will listen to me in my time of urgent need. but now i must go, for i am at the library typin this sheot! ummm...im gonna go home and cry now. <3 my heart is completely broken into a million pieces...does anyone want to put it back together?
current mood: my heart is broken..
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(6 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Sunday, March 13th, 2005
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12:14 pm - :(
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I am tired. And I wish good things could come to me. I am a little tired of waiting..and overall getting disappointed all the time. They say..good things come to those who wait..well, I have been waiting for a really long time. This weekend was cool tho. I expected one thing to happen, but two other things happened instead. I got to smoke and drink a bit with Tiffani..and she cooked me dinner! She is real nice. I <3 tiffi! But the same night Ashley told us that shes not coming back to Walnut...not even this year. *tears* And on saturday I didn't plan anything, but I ended up going to newport with Colleen and little Chris. We smoked and walked around and ate at Jonny Rockets. Yumm... I have some red shoes. They're slip on ones and they're really pretty. I like them a lot, eventho they hurt my feet a little now. Ryan, you have mood swings. Two people with mood swings don't get along very well..Its best I stay away from you to give you your space and time to recover..from you know.. I am tired of being called a whore. You know you really wouldn't care enough to say something if you still didn't like me. So...stop calling me names..whatever. I am tired so I think a nap is in order. Even tho its only 12:21.... bye
*then you ask is something wrong.. i think youre damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.. so then one last touch and then we'll go and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more, but it was vile and it was cheap and you are beautiful, but you dont mean a thing to me... *
current mood:  something is wrong...
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(3 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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3:06 pm - lsjdjflsdjf
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I hate fucking weekends. I didn't get to go to Curtis's... He fucked everything up. No ride or whatever then like..I said I could take the bus but he said that his parents wouldn't let me stay, after he had been saying all week that its fine. I am not even sure anymore if he likes me. Ahh..I want to be a lesbian. I hate guys and their bullshit. Sometimes some of the guys I like are worse than some of the mad emotional girls I know. Its the worst thing in the world when you get so into a guy you, that you don't see anything else bad happening. I just get so into some guys and they end up tricking me or making excuses or whatever, just fucking with me. I hate life. And I HATE RYAN. Ok. Now I feel better. I HATE RYAN! FUCK RYAN! AND FUCK EVERY OTHER GUY IN THE WORLD. I want to die.
***light beams through windows streams into my eyes, explodes like red balloons as it reminds me of you so long ago wind blows through a hole in the roof brings your purfume like lilies to me and all i can do is remember you when was the last time i held you all through the night? feels like a zillion years and i don't want to wait more to find you is to lose you, what is that for? when was the last time I held you all through the night never a worry would run through my heart like a knife? feels like a zillion years and i dont want to wait more to find you is to lose you, what is that for? one more night and i might never know who you are. tell me tomorrow is muc too late i need you now be my light.***
current mood: crushed
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(1 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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8:55 pm
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Take the quiz: "What kind of grandma are you going to be?"
one Mean motherfuckin Granny
Your one mean ass motherfuckin granny,your old,your mean and you hate kids.You smell like Vapor rub and you shove your feet in a baby's mouth to shut them up.Stop hitting people with your cane you mean old bitch.
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(by 5 am)
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4:16 pm - <3
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I am like so bored now. Tomorrow I am gonna go to Curtis' house and spend the night. This will be a hard thing to pull off. Hmm... well I think it will be fun. I like..love talking to him on the phone and texting. And things are great. I hope this turns out good because everything else with guys I like turns out soo badly. The Ben situation sucks because like I liked him and I said something, but obviously he didn't like me because he never tried to further anything or talk to me. See..Curtis like tries to talk to me and make things enjoyable. Jesus I am so happy. Well I am not in the mood to type right now so bye bye..
current mood: <3
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(by 5 am)
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| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
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6:32 pm - i am happy
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I think I have a new potential boyfriend. His name is Curtis. I like him a lot. He likes me. This is nothing like when I fooled myself and liked that bastard Jake. He is 18..and a lot like me. He likes to hold hands and kiss..and listen to emo music. But the thing is..hes in a metal band..and like..has pink and purple hair. With like 3 piercings. Its nice. He looks like a metal jerk, but is very sweet. I don't think anyone has ever been this nice to me. Not even Ryan. I haven't ever had someone say they are going to buy me flowers...I am in awe. And very happy for the first time in a few months. If I write anymore something bad will happen so bye!
p.s. grant i dont like you.
current mood:  enthralled
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(by 5 am)
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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3:52 pm - ...
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I went to the taste of chaos. It was ok. I liked seeing My chemical romance. And like at one part he screamed "do you want to fuck me?" and I went crazy. Hell yes I want to fuck you! haha. Ashley was so cute at the concert...she was like "Rock and roll!" haha. Meghan and I took her concert virginity. but i will update later. i have to go to get stuff and go to a lesson.
current mood: anxious
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(by 5 am)
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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5:44 pm - bleh
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I downloaded The Bravery's "Honest Mistake", and "Unconditional".. I can't swallow. My throat hurts like a bitch. I wish I really didn't get mono. It hurts so bad and my throat has white stuff in it. GROSS! Umm...I have a milk shake too now...its good.
I<3 milkshakes! yay..a new concept for a shirt!
THIS FUCKING SUNDAY BITCHES...TASTE OF CHAOS TOUR 2005!!! This will be the best fucking day of my life..cept..My throat hurts and I can't breath sometimes..so like..it hurts to sing and I might pass out. I am tired too. And I have homework. Yucky. My history teacher gave me a cookie today while I was making up my test and quiz. I don't really know if I like Grant. I still really like Ben Murphy. He is gorgeous. My type-a-guy. Like..umm...Ryan talked to him today and he said he doesn't like me yet cuz he doesn't know me and he wants to talk to me more. Thats exciting, cept I feel like a total wierdo cuz I am so much older and like 8th graders DONT PUT OUT! Jk..Um...I really like him and hope things go further on a positive note. I am tired now and I am starting to hate livejournals. Like I want to go to sleep. Grr! I am excited. I need some music. Bye! <3
current mood: <3
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(1 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Saturday, February 26th, 2005
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7:08 pm
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Lovely
Take the quiz: "What High School Stereotype Are You?"
Emo Kid
You're depressed and lonely. You want to be loved so bad, but whenever you find love something always goes wrong. you're moody and like to be alone.
current mood: i wanted to go to bogarts!
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(by 5 am)
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| Friday, February 25th, 2005
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11:55 am - damnit
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This is the third time I have tried to type my update. God damnit. I am home early due to my illness...MONO!!!! Ah ha! Well, I got a 9/10 on an extra credit quiz in Algebra. Its not like it will help at all. I am pretty pissed now...I have bad grades. I can't handle all of the shit that is put on me. I have everyones problems as a weight on my shoulders. Such bullshit that my parents bitch at me. I deal with everything. Last night while at the doctors my mom says to me, "everyone is telling me you're depressed, once someone tells you the same thing after a while you start to believe it."...Well...I personally think it is true. I am so sad. I want to cry now. "So deep that it didnt even bleed and catch me"..."I'll be just fine pretending I'm not, I'm far from lonely and its all that I've got." Sometimes I think that I'm the only one who feels this way..but I'm not. Obviously some peopole do, if lyrics are made about it.
Well..the deal is like..my mom and I don't get along so thats a constant fight when I am at her house, then theres my dad and Lisa fighting and her moving out and then moving back in. It is an endless cycle of me feeling like shit. I can't control it you know...? Like..they don't understand all my stress is caused by them. They don't even know I am around so, yeah knowing anything else is just amazing. No one thinks my sadness or depression is real. Just teenage angst. Fuck that. Fuck them. They don't know anything about me. NO ONE DOES....no one pays enough fucking attention. Thats what I'd say I need...Just someone to listen and not think I am crazy when I need to talk about a bad day or problems I am having. My step mom calls me a hypochondriac...If thats spelled correctly? And well...I have tried so hard to say I think I need help and I am depressed, but once again no one listens. I need lots of help. I want to die, but of course it'll be after the taste of chaos tour.
Love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife.
current mood: I like the hearts. I am sad
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(4 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
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10:25 pm - today sucks
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Today I went to chilren's hospital to get my blood drawn. It was really scary...It was like..watching the blood come out of my veins was like..they were sucking the life from me. I started shaking and shit. But hey, I got an awesome bugs bunny band aid...
Oh..I went to this tattoo/piercing place on short vine too and ordered some purple balls for my lip ring. They should be here by next fri. I am so excited. I hope I don't stay sick like this for much longer cuz I can't take having some stupid rash all over me. Its soo gross! Ahh! For me this is only a two day week...That is, if I go to school tomorrow and friday. I honestly don't want to fall behind in school. It will suck considering I suck at life..and school...Ick. Um..I don't really feel like talking about boys at the moment..but yeah..I still don't know if I like you Grant...And Ben Murphy is still on my mind quite a bit...Gotta go now..I need my beauty sleep..
"so long and good night"
current mood: i dont wanna be sick!
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(by 5 am)
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| Monday, February 21st, 2005
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2:45 pm - i wish..
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I really wish that I could muster up the courage to talk to Ben Murphy. I am incredibly shy when it comes to someone I ACTUALLY like. I am in an odd predicament with Grant too...He likes me..but..I can't figure out if I like him or not. He would be the kind of guy to be like "youre hot"...and thats it.
Well anyways I didn't go to work on sunday. They pissed me off at work on saturday. Bitchin mass n' shit. But yeah..I was sick...so I need to go to the doctor tonight. I am scared. Plus my grandfather is in the hospital now. So that sucks too..pnemonia. I spelled it wrong last time I think. I hate my life. I hate living with myself. And constantly being pissed off. I wish I would be like..raped or shot or killed in some grotesque way...Sounds stupid...but whatever. Bye.
current mood:  contemplative
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(1 had her finished | by 5 am)
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| Saturday, February 19th, 2005
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1:18 pm - ha ha
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OrientalPoridge: it would be kinda fun to rub it in his face just to mess with him. like next week be like "hey grant i heard you like me...*pause*...but sorry, you're not really the right age for me. *grant thinks you mean he's too young*...i'm more into 8th graders like um...Ben Murphy!!!"
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(4 had her finished | by 5 am)
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11:50 am - yo yo
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I am such a badass. I went out last night after my dad said not to. Ah! Carly and Dana came to pick me up. It was sooo fun. We had a fucking blast. Like we walked around..I bought pangea china flats and they fucking broke right when I tried to put them on. Well besides that we went to sitwells and finally got a table. Smoking was fun too...With all the hot chicks and dudes in there...Its the total hot spot man! SSSiiikkkee
Oh and I also bought some neato sunglasses...they're white.. And I bought Carly some like..immatation looking aviators. She looks soo hot in them... After all the partying, Carly took Dana and I home. It was mad fun. We ended up going upstairs, mind you her house is fucking gorgeous, and brushing our teeth. Then got in some jammers and layed in bed talking for and hour or so. We went from talking about our strangely sexy chemistry sub to talking about barbies. Oh and Grant was included in the midst of that convo. Then she whips out all of her barbies...and we dress the trashy "Catherine Zeta Jones" barbie. She was wearing some pumps that didn't match, a sparkly white jacket, which revealed her breasts, some turquoise underpants, and a pink tutu. (forgot to mention the leg warmer and a knee pad) It was the greatest ever. Her name is now "Svetlana"..or something to that effect. It seems tho..that for the first time I truly got along with Dana..and we had the best time. I was not a total idiot and I was happy..You know...just chilling with my friends. My true friends, mind you. I was happy. It totally took my mind off of the fact that my grandfather is in the hospital with phnemonia. He got sick..then it developed into that..and on top of it my grandmother was like freaking out. I feel really terrible for acting how I do towards them. I need to shape up. Really. They truly care about me and do so much for me. I need to get better grades to impress them and be a helluva lot nicer. I have a lot of things I need to improve in my life. Like maybe improve that I need other people to make me feel safe and not alone. And need them for my ego..to like..make me feel self-assured...I need a crutch basically. Pathetic. I know... I feel terrible..but at least I am finding myself out..coming to terms with it, and trying to cope. I try hard usually...but lately I have been sooo lazy. I need to change that. <3
current mood: guilty
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imnothappy's journal